Jokes

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

They say,”Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushers her in, she sees that his two male parrots are inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cry out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

Stunned silence, from both the humans and parrots. Quickly the moment passes and one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered.”

Come On, Let It Out

Sorry about the low impact posting around here recently. I have something to write about, but I can’t seem to get started. At first I was waiting for a certain point for, maybe not closure, but a natural break. That target keeps shifting though. Eventually I’ll get it here, promise, so until then expect more lame jokes that I get in my email or gripes about the less than expected weather.

Started up, still up.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/06: 83

Blue Suit

A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologizes and explains that, traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker, “Wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”

Amen

There was a Preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregations and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Preacher’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, “Children are a gift from God” he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

And the congregation said, “Amen”.

Do You Think I’ll Live To Be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit?”

Should Have Forwarded One Home

Got a couple of lame jokes via email at work and I should have forwarded at least one them home, so I’d have something to post here….

Started down, went up, back down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/06: 62

Handy Conversion Table

  1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
  2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
  3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
  4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
  5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
  6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
  7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
  8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
  9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
  10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
  11. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
  12. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
  13. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
  14. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
  15. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
  16. 52 cards = 1 decacards
  17. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
  18. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
  19. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
  20. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
  21. 10 rations = 1 decoration
  22. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
  23. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
  24. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms