Best of 2002
January
Invisible Customers
Monday the 14th
On the way home from work my wife and I stopped into the Food Lion on the way home, we needed one item. Once we got what we needed, we headed for the checkout lines. There was one right at the end of the aisle that we were coming down so we went there even though the light wasn’t on. There was a cashier and another employee on the register side and a “customer” on the other. They were all deep in conversation. As we got up to them my wife asked, “Are you open?” Perhaps they didn’t hear so we waited a bit and she asked again. Still no response. We turned around in dismay and headed over to 2 other aisles that had their lights on. The first one had no cashier at all and the other one was busy. We looked back down towards the three people at the one we just left and there was still no motion to move or acknowledge us, it was as if we were invisible. Needless to say we put down the item at the empty cash register and left the store. Plenty of other places to shop.
We ended up at a Bi-Lo near the house and got an over friendly cashier. (Almost as bad.)
February
More Chicken Stuff (pun intended)
Wednesday the 6th
A couple of days ago I ranted on chicken tenderloins and in it I mentioned we eat more chicken. I meant in as the royal we, meaning all of us, but I also meant me and my household. We buy some frozen foods from a company called Schwan’s. Donna’s brother drives a truck for them in the Seattle area. When Donna’s mom moved in with us she decided to start ordering stuff from them. We order some of the frozen vegetables and in the summer we get some of those little ice cream cups. We have tried of few of the other things as well. The chicken breasts are a big time saver; they are always so moist and tender. Never really paid attention to the box before, but for some reason today it caught my eye. Right there on the side of the box was (italics are theirs) – Unbreaded, Boneless, Skinless Chicken Breast Fillets with Rib Meat Containing up to 12% of a solution.
What does that mean? Nowhere on any of the 6 sides of the box does it say what the solution is that they have stuffed in there.
March
Overdraft Privilege
Wednesday th 20th
We got a little flyer included with this month’s checking that describes a service the bank likes to call Overdraft Privilege. If you can understand the gobbledy gook they have printed on this 1/3 page you are either a banking lawyer or certifiably insane. I wish I had a scanner at home so you could see it, but I think this little asterisked portion on the bottom sums up this service nicely:
The Overdraft Privilege Service does not constitute an actual or implied agreement between you and The South Financial Group, Inc. Nor does it constitute an actual or implied obligation of or by the bank. This service represents a purely discretionary courtesy or privilege that the bank may provide to you from time to time and which may be withdrawn or withheld by The South Financial Group, Inc. at any time without prior notice or reason or cause.
I just knew I could count on them…
April
Masters Golf Tournament
Sunday the 14th
What is it that made me waste most of my Sunday watching it on TV? I watched all the way until Tiger had it in the bag, then I tuned out, not because I didn’t want him to win, heck I hope he wins it again next year, but I just couldn’t care once it stopped being a golf match and started to be just watching someone play meticulous golf. I don’t golf, I don’t watch golf and I can barely name a golfer besides Tiger. I suppose that I watch because I have been on the course. When we first moved to Aiken we went over and bought practice round tickets back when they sold as many tickets as people who showed up. It was especially fun to go over with relatives who visited. Both my brother and brother-in-law are golfers so they were a real kick because they knew the players and they knew the history.
But about 6 years ago they went to a lottery drawing for the privilege to buy practice round tickets. The first 2 years we got selected, but for the past 4 years, no dice. Everyone says that locals don’t get picked anymore because they make more money from out of towners. Bah, the course doesn’t care, doesn’t matter where you are from you still pay the same $2 for a palmetto cheese sandwich. The members don’t care because they don’t own hotels or restaurants in the area, heck most of them aren’t local anyway. I think the real reason I don’t get practice round tickets anymore is that the Masters’ Secret Police found out I don’t even like golf.
May
Senator Strom Thurmond Endorses Cloning
Friday the 3th
Just passed by the TV, my wife had on CNN and I noticed a scroll that said, “Senator Strom Thurmond Endorses Cloning.” I’m not a follower of politics, news or much of anything, so I’m sure there is lot more to the story, but all I could think was, “Of course he endorses it, he’s like 100 and on the way out and he never did get to be president!”
June
Triskaidekaphobia
Saturday the 29th
We spent last night in a brand new Holiday Inn Express in Anderson, SC. They put us in room 315. It wasn’t until we were leaving the next morning that I noticed that the room next door was 311. In this place all the odd numbered rooms were on one side of the hall and all the even numbers were on the other. That means we were really in room 313. Would they have gotten complaints about staying in that number room?
Tonight and for the next 3 nights were are staying at the Holiday Inn Choo-Choo Hotel in downtown Chattanooga. Our room number is 1015. In this building all the rooms are on one side of the hall and are numbered consecutively. The room to our left is 1014 and to the left of that is 1013. Go figure.
July
Bird’s Nest Ingredients?
Monday the 15th
God bless my mother-in-law. Really nice lady and great to have around, but she comes up with the weirdest things. We were sitting on the screened porch last night eating supper. We were watching the birds chase each other around the back yard and out of the blue she tells us that when she cuts her toe nails, she saves the clippings and throws them into the back yard in the belief that the birds use them for nest building. WHAT?!? She then suffixed that statement with, “I don’t know how they find them ( the clippings.)” Do they really want to?
August
I Don’t Mind Go Ahead
Thursday the 29th
Last night I went to Mail Boxes, Etc. to print up the Aiken Bicycle Club newsletter. I was standing at the copier looking out the window when this woman pulls into the spot next to my car. I pulled into an end spot and all the way to one side, so no one could open a door into it, but I hadn’t prepared for this contingency. She opens the hatch of her Grand Cherokee and pulls out a big box. Now with her hands full she has no way to close the hatch. So she walks over to my car and places her box on my trunk! Closes the hatch, picks up the box and comes inside to mail it.
As she is standing in line I walk up to her and say, “Next time I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t use my car as a box stand.” She replies with, “but your shirt matches the pretty blue of your car. Besides I didn’t have any where else to put it.” “You wouldn’t want me to sit on the hood of car just because it looked inviting would you,” was all I could come up as I walked away shaking my head.
September
Roadie
Friday the 6th
Tonight I went to my second high school football game, ever. The last one was almost 29 years ago while in my senior year of New Britain High School. Some friends and I snuck into the Thanksgiving Day game with our big cross-town rivals, Pulaski High. Tonight I “snuck” into the game between cross-county rivals, Rockbridge County High School and Parry McCluer High School. Stuart is the RCHS Marching Band Drum Major and tonight was his first football game in that capacity. Mom Sally is the president of the Band Booster Club, so she asked us to come along and help out. We followed the tractor pulling the trailer of band equipment down the road into the field to keep stuff from falling off. We just waved at the guy guarding the gate as we walked on by. Later that night I thanked Sally for helping fulfill a life-long dream of being able to get backstage somewhere by just saying, “I’m with the band.”
October
Super 8 Motel
Saturday the 12th
For $90 a night you should get a better TV than one that is 19″ and slightly out of focus and a bonus of adding snow to the picture above channel 24 with a numberless remote control that the only way to get from channel 17 to channel 39 is to push the up button 21 times.
For $90 a night you should get more than one operating ice machine on the second floor all the way in the back for a 100 unit place.
For $90 a night you should not get a toilet that rocks back and for so much that it threatens to dump you on the floor when you lean over to get some toilet paper.
November
The Ol’ Gray Matter Ain’t What It Used To Be
Monday the 25th
On the way to work this morning we stopped at the ATM to get out a twenty because Donna was going out at lunch with her co-workers. When we were walking into the building at work she asked me to give her the receipt from the withdrawal. She likes to put them inside the checkbook right away because I have a tendency to forget about them and have nearly caused some checks to bounce in the past. When I opened my wallet the $20 bill was there, but no receipt. For that matter, no ATM card either! Left them in the ATM. Hopped back in the car and hightailed it the 3 miles back to the bank. The receipt was still there in the slot, but no card. When I got back to work I called the 1-800 customer service where the fellow explained to me that after a minute or so of the card being left in the slot the machine sucks it in. If I was lucky that would be the case. I called the bank an hour later when they opened and sure enough they had my card. When you are old and senile it helps to be lucky.
December
Poor Earl
Tuesday the 10th
Just got through watching “An Evening With The Dixie Chicks” on NBC. While I’m not a big county music fan, I liked this enough to stay for the whole show (which is either a testament to a good program or a statement on the amount of crap available on the other 60-odd channels.) It was actually good stuff. Put me in mind of the Eagles’s Hell Freezes Over concert of a while back. Nice harmonizing with the extra kick of a string section. You can tell it was filmed in Hollywood though, you had to be an aspiring actor/actress to get in the audience – nothing but good looking people to be seen in the whole theater, I’d have never gotten in.