Life of Brian

I was cleaning out some old documents from the early 90s on my work computer this afternoon. There were even letters of resignation from the BMG and Columbia House CD Clubs. I came across this that some one had sent me way back when we moved from New Jersey to South Carolina. Republished here as a public service:

• Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
• If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba”. You have a 75% chance of being right.
• Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
• Do not buy food at the movie store.
• People walk slower here.
• If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.
• The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
• Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.
• Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”
• Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.
• The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol'”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
• Be advised: The “He needed killin'” defense is valid here.
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
• If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
• Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
• As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
• Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
• The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
• Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
• If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.
• Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
• In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, “Laud, have mercy”,”Good Laud”, and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy”.
• You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.