Year: 2013

I’m Insulted

Early this week they put clear lucite sign holders on every single table in the cafeteria. Inside each one is a flyer calling for volunteers to sign up to be a First Responder. Every one in Maintenance is already trained to do this, but they are looking for a few more good (wo)men. They also put one on each of the six tables in what management refers to as the break area out front or what everyone else calls the smoking area.

For the last couple of days they have been putting up wall mount versions in every restroom. There is one on the wall just above every urinal and one on the inside of each stall door. I figured they were going to fill them with more of the please be a First Responder sheets, but they remained empty. Until this morning.

The ones in the Men’s Room out in the Turned Parts Department, near where my cubical is, had advertisements in them this AM. One of the urinals had a Viagra ad over it, while the other had one for Vesicare and each stall had an Ex-Lax ad, one vintage and very modern.

Once word got out about them, people were going in just to look, conversations ensued as to whether they were for real or was someone just having fun. Seriously, how could it have been anything but a joke. I know sales are slow right now, but would the Valve Store really try and make up some of that money by selling ads on restroom walls?

I’m insulted that no one asked me if I had anything to do with it…

Not A Sonata

Hyundai and The Walking Dead have teamed up to let you create your own post zombie apocalypse mode of transportation. No Sonatas though, just Velosters, Santa Fes or Elantras.

Not a Sonata

The Walking Dead Chopshop.

Close, But Not Exactly Right

Last night we went out for dinner at Ruby Tuesday where we both opted to try something from their special summer menu. Donna chose the Bourbon Salmon with spaghetti squash and grilled green beans. I went for the Caribbean Chicken and instead of my usual salad and potato I chose the grilled green beans as well and broccoli. When dinner was served I received green beans and mashed taters. Maybe the waiter heard me mentally contemplate the potatoes before saying broccoli, but, hey, I like mashed potatoes, so I ate them.

For this morning’s breakfast at DD we ordered the usual. My coffee with muffin and Donna’s hot chocolate with two wake-up wraps, one ham, one bacon. The first three items we get at the register and then have to wait a bit for the wraps to cook. When I say usual it is so usual that they usually get Donna’s wraps going when they see the car pull up in front of the store. When they called out the wrap order I thought I heard them say, “Sausage wrap and ham wrap.” When Donna pulled them out of the bag, turns out I heard right. Hey, up until a couple months ago she used to order that combo, so maybe they just misremembered.

In both cases we didn’t complain, except amongst ourselves, because sometimes it’s just not worth the hassle.

Immutable Laws of Nature

  1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
  2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
  5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
  6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
  8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
  9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
  11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  12. Keith Gregory’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers and one of them will be naked.
  13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
  14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
  15. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
  16. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  17. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
  18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you’ll feel better. If you don’t make an appointment you’ll stay sick.

Not A Lot Of Bugs, But A Big Surprise

Big Bug SlayerLast night was the 10th or 12th Master’s Miata Club Bug Splat that Donna and I have organized and while it won’t go down in history as a very buggy event, I predict it will be the most remembered.

We start at the south end of Whiskey Road in Aiken at the Red Bowl and finish up on the south end of Martintown Road in North Augusta at a Sonic. Both ends of the trip are definitely “in town”, but in between I try and get as rural as possible, both to avoid traffic and to increase insect impact chances.

Usually there are about 6 cars that show up, including us, so I printed out 8 maps in a fit of optimism. I should printed at least one more. We had nine cars run the route, including some brand new members, some hardly ever seen members and a previous member couple who had also previously won the Biggest Bug Trophy. But no worries, the maps are usually not used at all because Donna and I in the Emperor lead the train of cars along the route.

About half way through the trip, in the middle of a 3 mile section of a very backroad road I had to slow way down as there was a stopped vehicle in our travel lane. The 9 Miatas that started at about a 1/4 mile long line quickly tightened up because of the obstruction. As I got closer I could see that it was a PT Cruiser convertible with its top down. There was a man standing on the back seat facing the side of the road. At first I thought he was looking for a stray dog or something, so I checked the oncoming lane and proceeded to pass. As I started around I realized I was wrong, he was letting loose a mighty stream of urine out onto the side of the road.

Yes, you read that right, while his wife, girlfriend, possibly date sat in the passenger seat he decided to stand in the back of a PT Cruiser convertible and relieve himself.