Month: August 2013

Immutable Laws of Nature

  1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
  2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
  5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
  6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
  8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
  9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
  11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  12. Keith Gregory’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers and one of them will be naked.
  13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
  14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
  15. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
  16. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  17. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
  18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there you’ll feel better. If you don’t make an appointment you’ll stay sick.

Not A Lot Of Bugs, But A Big Surprise

Big Bug SlayerLast night was the 10th or 12th Master’s Miata Club Bug Splat that Donna and I have organized and while it won’t go down in history as a very buggy event, I predict it will be the most remembered.

We start at the south end of Whiskey Road in Aiken at the Red Bowl and finish up on the south end of Martintown Road in North Augusta at a Sonic. Both ends of the trip are definitely “in town”, but in between I try and get as rural as possible, both to avoid traffic and to increase insect impact chances.

Usually there are about 6 cars that show up, including us, so I printed out 8 maps in a fit of optimism. I should printed at least one more. We had nine cars run the route, including some brand new members, some hardly ever seen members and a previous member couple who had also previously won the Biggest Bug Trophy. But no worries, the maps are usually not used at all because Donna and I in the Emperor lead the train of cars along the route.

About half way through the trip, in the middle of a 3 mile section of a very backroad road I had to slow way down as there was a stopped vehicle in our travel lane. The 9 Miatas that started at about a 1/4 mile long line quickly tightened up because of the obstruction. As I got closer I could see that it was a PT Cruiser convertible with its top down. There was a man standing on the back seat facing the side of the road. At first I thought he was looking for a stray dog or something, so I checked the oncoming lane and proceeded to pass. As I started around I realized I was wrong, he was letting loose a mighty stream of urine out onto the side of the road.

Yes, you read that right, while his wife, girlfriend, possibly date sat in the passenger seat he decided to stand in the back of a PT Cruiser convertible and relieve himself.

The Church Of Orphan Black

The Church now has two acolytes, the Accounting Manager and the Payroll Clerk of the Valve Store(TM). Both have finished watching all of season one and have asked for their own copy of the show so they can re-watch it. In trying to grow my little religion I have had the digital copies of season one placed in the hands of six other folks at work for a while now, but none of them has actually watched any of it except for the clip of the first 3 minutes of the first episode.

The two that are hooked are female, the six that are not are male. Are the guys not watching it because of the female protagonist? Did the ladies dig it because of her?

Having run out of men to try and convert and with my previous success with the ladies, this afternoon and gave a set of DVDs to a woman who works in engineering department out back in the same offices as I do.

As I handed Cathy her the discs I thought to myself, maybe it has nothing to do with the sex of my prospective converts but the media applied. So if she comes back on Monday having watched all 10 episodes and loves it, I’ll have to try and pass along the DVDs to one of my hesitant male prospects.