Year: 2008

Gabby

Another thing I stuffed in people’s mailboxes was my version of the Get to ASCO By Bike FAQ in the model of a Dear Abby column:

Gabby: When is this GABB thing?
Dear Inquiring Mind: This year it is Friday, May 19th, for the 8 o’clock people and Friday, June 23rd, for the 7 o’clock crowd. As in the past, we will leave from the driveway of Brian & Donna Bogardus’s home one hour subsequent to work starting.

Gabby: I live a long way from the there. Do I have to ride my bike all the way there, and then turn around and ride 6-1/2 more miles to work?
Dear Farout: No, your best bet is to toss the bike in the trunk and drive over to 778 Boardman Road. If you ride the extra miles you will burn enough calories to eat an extra doughnut guilt free upon arrival at ASCO, but you will probably be the subject of scorn and ridicule from the other riders. Jealousy is an ugly thing.

Gabby: What if I get to work and decide that 6-1/2 miles of bike riding is all any sane person should attempt in one day? How do I get home?
Dear One-way: We will have a Star Trek style transporter available to beam you and your bike back to Boardman Road. Technology is not cheap though. Even with the company subsidizing 50% of the cost, you will still need a cool half-a-million bucks to take advantage of this service. There is a cheaper solution though, bum a ride after work with a co-worker to Boardman Road where you get in your car, drive back to ASCO and get your bike. Or find someone with a pickup truck to take you and your bike back to the start. Or get to work and sell the bike to some sucker and use the money for cab fare.

Gabby: What clothes should I wear when riding the bike?
Dear Fashionable: Skin tight shiny lycra stuff is not needed, but the padding that comes with bike specific shorts will be entirely welcome on the ride home. Comfortable shorts and a T-shirt are just fine. The usual shoes, socks and skivvies are optional but would be a nice touch. I would love to see everyone wearing a bicycle helmet. But if you don’t have one and want one, no big deal, we’ve got a couple of extra 2 quart saucepans that can be duct taped to your noggin.

Gabby: Will I get all sweaty and stinky?
Dear Dainty: Yes, you will probably perspire a small amount. As for being stinky… Not really, unless you subscribe to the bathing once a month is enough theory and normal shower day is the 20th. Wait at least 15 minutes after you have arrived at work, this gives the body a chance to stop sweating, then wet one half of a hand towel and take it into a stall in the appropriate gender’s rest room and wipe down with the wet end and dry off with the other.

Gabby: Combining the above 2 questions I have concluded that I will have to spend my workday attired in sweaty shorts ensemble. Ewwww!
Dear Fashionably Dainty: You could buy a $35 rack for your bike and spend another $50 on fancy bike bags so that you could carry a change of clothing. Or you could tie your work pants and shirt to the seat tube and tape your tie and belt to the ends of the handlebars . Just bring your work clothes and/or lunch in a bag because we will have a vehicle to carry your stuff to the plant.

Gabby: You ride your bike to work all the time and I hear it takes you less than a half an hour to get there. With me being a novice at this cycling thing it will probably take me a lot longer. You’re not going to take off at the halfway mark and leave me cycling alone in an unfamiliar part of town are you?
Dear Neophyte: No, this is only an exhibition, not a competition, so please no wagering. We are doing this for the fun of it, so we will ride as slow as the slowest rider. But if you are so slow that it jeopardizes our arrival to ASCO on time you will be asked to grab hold of the bumper of a passing vehicle to help speed things along.

Gabby: As Templeton the Rat from Charlotte’s Web would say, “What’s in it for me?”
Dear Curious: Aside from the camaraderie of huffing and puffing up a hill with your fellow cyclists? For one the there is the 2 course breakfast (1. coffee 2. doughnuts.) For another you will get a spiffy T-shirt that can be worn with pride and not too much embarrassment. Most importantly you can recapture your long lost youth, the joy of traveling under your own power, the wind in your thinning hair, and the sound of baseball cards hitting the spokes.

Gabby: When will I get my GABB T-shirt?
Dear Anxious: The shirts will be passed out the morning of the ride. You can wear it while you bike ride to ASCO, or you could save it and wear it at work, or you could just hide it your closet if you don’t like the color purple.

Started down, went up, back down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/08: 232

Lie Detecting Robot

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.

“Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?” asked John.

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie,” said Tommy.

“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.

“The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from the floor, sat down, and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched an R-rated movie.”

“I am ashamed of you, son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.” The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

G.A.B.B.

Donna and I rode the tandem to work today. We were not the only ones to Get to ASCO By Bike either, two other folks did as well. One was of course Mr. Bike Commuter Numero Uno, Willie, and an engineer from the front office, Gerry. While at an office function this morning, cake and insults for a co-worker who is leaving, Donna and I asked Gerry how far he rode and which way he came. His commute is almost twice as long as ours and he comes a direct route that takes him up busy US1 for the last mile and a half. We tried to explain our route that avoids that section of road, but couldn’t really get it across.

I got back to my desk to print out a Google map, but then realized I had something already drawn up showing our route from way back in the 90’s when we used to do a bike ride to work for other company employees during May (National Bike Month.) I got the company to sponsor the event and they bought doughnuts, bagels and coffee for the first year. The second year I talked them into T-shirts for the riders as well as breakfast. The first ride attracted 5 riders with Donna and I included to a peak at year 5 with over 30 riders on 2 different morning rides and an afternoon one for second shift. One year we even had a small group ride in at 11:00PM for 3rd shift.

Every year I would try and entice folks to ride starting in the beginning of May with flyers and what not stuck in their mailboxes. For the third year I did a mock David Letterman Top Ten Reasons to Ride to ASCO (keep in mind that it was 1994, so some of them are time sensitive.)

From the Home Office in Sioux City, Iowa….

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons for Doing GABB 3

10. Guaranteed not to get a speeding ticket like a certain talk show host.
9. To train for 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta.
8. Really cool noise that baseball cards make when hitting the spokes.
7. Lots safer than next month’s Get to ASCO By Skydiving.
6. After the ride, posterior will still feel better than Michael Fay‘s.
5. Never really appreciate the beauty of the Taj Mahal when speeding by in a car.
4. More thrilling than Space Mountain at Disney World when cars pass by real close going 55 M.P.H.
3. Sharon Stone and Tone Loc will be at the post ride party.
2. Daylight Doughnuts are a lot more nutritional than the usual Hardee’s Sausage Biscuit.
and the #1 reason for doing GABB 3…
This year’s T-shirt will be ISO 9002 certified.

Started down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/08: 230

Early Quantum State Phenomenon

Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River Tam: Fixing your Bible.
Book: I, um…
[alarmed]
Book: What?
River Tam: Bible’s broken. Contradictions, false logistics – doesn’t make sense.
[she’s marked up the bible, crossed out passages and torn out pages]
Book: No, no. You-you-you can’t…
River Tam: So we’ll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God’s creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah’s ark is a problem.
Book: Really?
River Tam: We’ll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat.
[rips out page]

Started down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/08: 230

Cash Back

We did our weekly grocery shopping yesterday and as our custom I load the conveyor and Donna moves to the end and will start bagging if there is no one there. I have the coupons in my pocket (Donna hands them to me as we buy the item the coupon is for) and the loyalty card for the store in my wallet, plus I have the debit card for paying, so I stop opposite the cashier.

When the cashier was done scanning our items and deducting the coupons, I swiped the debit card. At this point, knowing my wallet is empty, Donna says, “Take out a couple extra bucks.” This is unnerving because I am used to requests for specific amounts. I ask Donna what she means by a couple. Her answer was even more unsettling, “Just round up the total.” Our bill was at that point ninety-four dollars and fourteen cents. Crap! She expected me to do math under pressure, the cashier was waiting, the woman behind me had her stuff on the conveyor belt…I couldn’t do it, I just knew I’d subtract wrong, forgetting to carry the one or something, and the bill would come to $101 or $99.

I punted, figured I would just take out ten bucks, that should be easy. I push the other key, hit the 1 and the 0 and hit OK. Your total is $94.24. Damn that’s ten cents! Cancel. Back. Cancel. Panic.

I just know everyone around is staring at the doofus who can’t operate the card console. In my head I imagine the kid at the service desk is making an announcement, “Attention Kroger shoppers. Gather around Register #5 and watch an old guy try to operate the credit card reader. Grab a latte at the Starbucks counter and come on up front because next he’ll be trying to pay using the change from one of those little rubber things with a split in it that even your grandfather is too cool to use anymore.”

Miraculously all my button pushing has brought me back to the “Would you like cash back?” screen without having to swipe the card again. Alright, I want ten bucks, not ten cents. I push the key opposite other and push the one and the zero keys, then the big green Yes button. There. That wasn’t so hard was it?

Apparently it was hard, because the cashier hands me my receipt and my dime change.

And while I’m sure she was trying to be helpful by pointing me to the ATM machine near the service desk, I wasn’t listening to the cashier, I mumbled rudely, “No thanks. I don’t really need it.” I just wanted out of the store.

My very supportive wife waited until we got outside in the parking lot before she started laughing at me…

Started up, went down, went up, back down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/08: 230

We Are Keeping Netflix Profiles

It took Netflix less than 2 weeks to come to their senses:

Dear Brian,

You spoke, and we listened. We are keeping Profiles. Thank you for all the calls and emails telling us how important Profiles are.

We are sorry for any inconvenience we may have caused. We hope the next time you hear from us we will delight, and not disappoint, you.

-Your friends at Netflix

I’m sure it was me singing the petition. 😀

Rembert, SC 29128

Bet you thought I forgot about the whole “take a picture of every Post Office in South Carolina” thing didn’t you?

I haven’t, it is just that they are all so far away and in places we don’t really want to visit and because it is summer they are too hot and too crowded. Today on our trip back from visiting Donna’s cousin Laurie we were going to be near a stray PO that somehow got over looked when we in that area before.

Behold! Rembert, SC, post office number 390 of 461.

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Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/08: 227