Month: September 2008

Moms in Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s go pick up your brothers Peter and Willy from school.”

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,” he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely……A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”

Political Action Figures

And here I have been slowly building up my collection of TDTVS action figures, how so 2004, I need to get in the moment. According to a New York Daily News article there are 2008 Presidential campaign action figures available from HeroBuilders.com.

Poor Joe Biden, he doesn’t rate a figure though. You can get McCain in a T-shirt, Palin dressed in some Japanese school girl fantasy outfit (among others) and Obama, sans shirt, who looks like he has been working out. Also available for your collecting pleasure are a couple of disgraced politicos who had trouble with that whole faithful section of their marriage vows, John Edwards and Elliot Spitzer.

Started down, went up, still up.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/08: 349

Katherine Ryan, Katherine Dodd, Joan Heart, Maggie Ryan, Annie, Lucy, and Monica Callis

According to this Slate article the movie Netflix members love to rent, but have the hardest time watching is Hotel Rwanda, with Schindler’s List coming in a close second. There are also stories of keeping a movie for months before watching them (or not.)

I have been a Netflix member 2 separate times. The first was from May 2000 to October 2004 when I was a 4 at a time unlimited member. The second time from January 2006 until present where I started as one at a time and recently bumped it up to two at a time. Looking over the difference between membership periods, when I was a 4 at a time user, the time a movie was kept on my coffee table was a lot worse than now when I can only have two out at a time.

The movie with the “honor” of being in my possession the longest was Better Luck Tomorrow at 75 days. The disc I kept the absolute longest was a TV one, The X-Files: Season 2: Disc 3, which sat around the house for 12 weeks (84 days.) Considering that I think of myself as a big X-Files fan I was surprised to find that of my top 10 delayed watched discs, four of them were from that show.

I’ve done much better this time around because the longest out movie is A Scanner Darkly at a mere 18 days. The worse TV show disc was Due South: Season 1: Disc 1 at twelve days in waiting.

Started up, went down, back up, down again, up, down, still down.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/08: 348

Coals To Newcastle

Every month we ship off a box to the Seattle area where Donna’s brother Scott and his family live. This month’s care package includes a gift & card for Scott because his birthday is coming up, but usually the boxes just contain books and a few small toys for Baby James (who used to go by the name The Baby To Be Named Later, but now doesn’t because he has, uh, been named) and some of those complimentary coffee packets lifted from the hotel rooms we have stayed in for Baby James’ mother & Scott’s wife, Beth.

Why are we sending coffee to an area of the country where it is every citizen’s right to not ever be out of sight of a Starbucks or independent coffee hut? Leave a guess in the comments and if you are right I will mail one less packet of java to Beth next month and send it to you instead.

I’ve added another category of links to the side bar that will be used for links that I want to save because I find them entertaining, but don’t fit into any of the other categories. The category is called Salmagundi which is Cardassian for — entertaining, but not fitting in.

Check out Joe Posnanski, he used to be a sports writer for the Augusta Chronicle, but has moved on to the greener pastures of Kansas City. Because I really don’t read the sports pages I was unfamiliar with his writing, but now that I have stumbled on his blog, and if he wrote in the paper like he does on the web, I’m sorry I didn’t read him. Read this post entitled The Play (with bonus Augusta coverage) and tell me if this guy isn’t great. The only bad thing is he has just been blogging since October of 2007 and that leaves only 317 more posts of his to read…

Started up, went down, back up, still up.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/08: 343

Snippy Receptionist

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist’s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, ?YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT??

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ?NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.?

You Don’t Know Jack

Sung to the tune of Scott McKenzie’s San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair):
“If you’re going to walk Hitchcock Woods
You’ll be sure to get spiders in your hair
If you’re going hiking in the woods
You’re gonna see lots of animals in there”

On our walk in the woods this morning we saw several humans, some with dogs, some on horses and a couple on foot. We saw a fox squirrel and lots of spider webs, even some with spiders still in them. We heard several different species of birds. We saw a toad, a salamander and a snake. A SNAKE!?!

He was a decent size one too. just lying there across the trail, probably 4 foot long. When I first noticed him he looked like a little krinkle french fry, all wavy like. Must have been asleep because when I poked him lightly with the end of my walking stick he smoothed right out and kind of looked up at me. Flicked his little red tongue at me several times and just stayed where he was. I’m thinking he was kinda pissed at me for waking him up because he pulled his head back like he was going to strike. I was still standing back away, just close enough to poke him again with my 4′ walking stick.

He didn’t like me poking him, but he still didn’t move off the trail until I kicked sand at him for the second time. He looked up at me once more, as if to remember my face, and slithered away slowly biding his time, probably planning when he could catch me unawares at another time.

Just after he left the trail Donna said, “Take it’s picture.” Good idea I thought, if I only had a camera. I did, like I always do, it was right there one the end of my walking stick. I just didn’t think to use that end of the stick, I was too busy poking with the other end.

Started down, went up, still up.
Miata Top Transitions since 01/01/08: 341